this is for you, dearest. take it to heart.

i do miss you. i think about you all the time, every time i see you.
and i remember how we said we were gonna steal from the armaguard truck, and attack like penguins.
and talked about boys, and .. well everything. things that i couldnt with other people. now, well. i kinda talk to other people. not that i can trust anyone these days, except for michelle and sacha, but. you know.
i remember the old woman. i remembered when i saw her, weeks ago. i thought, howls moving castle woman.
and i thought, i remember me and you, talking about her. and the movie. and how we loved howl. i cant forget those things. and no one else seems to know who im talking about.
i miss those times sneaking out. i miss stealing the internet. i miss webcamming steven for some fucking reason. i miss sitting on the laptop in one room, and the computer in the other, and talking on msn.
but i can never forget the times i cried.
there were so many times.. i was sick with worry. so was sacha, we both were. and so were so many people. i can never forget the day that you sent me that message, that i still have on my old phone. its along the lines of, im going to do it, im just so upset. and i remember messaging you, begging you to not do it, to not do it again. for me. but you did it anyway. i remember crying in my room, because i couldnt stop you. i couldnt get that picture out of my mind. of you.. hurting yourself like that. i did everthing i thought i could, trying to talk you through it, being consoling, yelling at you. nothing worked.
so we had to put it on the line.
it was the only thing we could do. and it worked, didnt it? but.
do you remember at your party, when you.. were bleeding on your leg. and your story was, that you had cut it outside on a tree being stupid and running around? and i believed you? i was so stupid to believe it. i just didnt think you would. do you remember when i tried to ask you if you liked jake at all, cos you were acting all funny around him? and you yelled at me, told me to go away, leave you alone? well. i remember it.

i remember it because i had no idea. so.. stupid. i dont know. i didnt think anything of it. i really thought you had accidentally done it. and i dont know why. i dont know why.

i will never forget the times i cried for you. and all the times, my crying went.. well. unnoticed. you were in pain, i understand that. you couldnt stop. i just wish i could have done more.
i remember that fight i had with you. where i had the biggest fit at you, basically told you you had better get your act together.
but that still didnt really work.

im sorry, if we caused you pain. and im sure its felt vice versa.
i miss you sometimes, .. well. all the time. i just wanna look at you in the eye, for more than a second, and not feel like its wrong. i wanna hug you sometimes, just.. to remember what it was like. im starting to forget, and that kills me. i really didnt want to forget your hugs. i see you, in classics mostly. and i see you, right in front of me. i hate having you right there.. seeing you. thinking of old classes with mr moyle.
and then i see that scar on your right hand. right, i think. yes.. thats the hand i see. and its like this.. twang. inside. because.. i dont know. it brings back all the pain, i felt. all those times i was helpless to stop you.
and i wish i could have helped you. helped your life not bring you to that point.
but i didnt.

biology, too. i can hear your stories, being told to your friends.. and sometimes i picture what it would be like, if you and i were friends again. would we sit together? would i get those stories told to me. partners in experiments?

sometimes, i wish. i wish i could just forget.