yes. i am currently on the hunt for jobs.
do i have time for jobs? no, not really. do i have a choice? no, not really. i needs the money. i wants the money. and there is only so long you can go on living on your boyfriends money. i am starting to feel bad, and my constant helplessness with offering money to people, being able to afford presents.. etc. i feel bad.. lol. i cant keep going without money.
and watching people with money, buying things they want, whenever they want. not having to save for several months to afford the new season of , say, gossip girl , because they dont just get money handed to them like that. i dont like it very much, and so. i have pursued the profession... of working. LOL.
but. i have applied at two places so far, Dominos and Pizza Hut at Marion. yes, its true, my boyfriend does work at Dominos, hence my idea for this area of work. but i applied at a different one, so its totally different. like.. all my idea. and my sister used to work at the pizza hut at marion, so.. yeah. she was a waitress before she went crazy.
not really. but kinda.
she is better now!!
anyway.. lol.
i hope to be contacted soon. i mean, the only real reason ihave not gotten a job, is cos i kinda get money from mum a lot, im lazy, and i dont wanna miss time going out on the weekends, and seeing daniel. which are stupid reasons, but reasons nonetheless. but now, i have gotten past that point. i need money. i need a car, and i want to drive.
death to school bus A, seriously.
the hunt for a job begins, wish me luck.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Super Massive Black Hole
well, hum.
talked to you the other night... i loved how it felt. =/ though its hard to forget some things, its just the hope that your better that worries me. i just want to be certain that .. everything is.. okay now. only because i know it got so rough at one point. well, i would have to assume it did.
but.. it was good. about 5 minutes of awkwardness, then it was.. just a rush to talk. to fill each other in on everything. just .. to tell each other what we have missed from each other's lives. because we watched it, we all.. knew about a lot of stuff. we just werent personally there for a lot of it. and thats okay.
because now, i can only hope that we can catch up, and maybe not be the bestest of friends, .. but good friends. i mean, we can work on the best friends thing.. but its gonna take a while. its been to long for it to be too easy.
lol. i was so worried the morning after that talk. because i had classics, and i knew you were going to be there.i waslike.. huh. say hi, say.. something? lol. but you kinda were gone in about 3 seconds when the bell went, so.. my super awesome plan of saying hi didnt really work.
even a smile would be good, a wave from across the yard. whatever. just to kinda know i didnt imagine it =P
and i know sacha feels the same.
i do have to say i have felt better, and somewhat more comforatble at school now.
i mean, aside from the fact a vast majority of my 'friends' dont even actually .. well. they bitch about me, thanks guys, even people who DONT EVEN KNOW ME AT ALL feel they have some right to talk about me. like. for fucks sake, just.. go die. lol. you should be old enough to deal, and stop having a cry.
and you know what? someone in my english class totally stole my theme, so fuck you. i hate you. you took my precious theme, and i hate you for that. i mean, i hated you before.
but more so now.
thats it.
xx
talked to you the other night... i loved how it felt. =/ though its hard to forget some things, its just the hope that your better that worries me. i just want to be certain that .. everything is.. okay now. only because i know it got so rough at one point. well, i would have to assume it did.
but.. it was good. about 5 minutes of awkwardness, then it was.. just a rush to talk. to fill each other in on everything. just .. to tell each other what we have missed from each other's lives. because we watched it, we all.. knew about a lot of stuff. we just werent personally there for a lot of it. and thats okay.
because now, i can only hope that we can catch up, and maybe not be the bestest of friends, .. but good friends. i mean, we can work on the best friends thing.. but its gonna take a while. its been to long for it to be too easy.
lol. i was so worried the morning after that talk. because i had classics, and i knew you were going to be there.i waslike.. huh. say hi, say.. something? lol. but you kinda were gone in about 3 seconds when the bell went, so.. my super awesome plan of saying hi didnt really work.
even a smile would be good, a wave from across the yard. whatever. just to kinda know i didnt imagine it =P
and i know sacha feels the same.
i do have to say i have felt better, and somewhat more comforatble at school now.
i mean, aside from the fact a vast majority of my 'friends' dont even actually .. well. they bitch about me, thanks guys, even people who DONT EVEN KNOW ME AT ALL feel they have some right to talk about me. like. for fucks sake, just.. go die. lol. you should be old enough to deal, and stop having a cry.
and you know what? someone in my english class totally stole my theme, so fuck you. i hate you. you took my precious theme, and i hate you for that. i mean, i hated you before.
but more so now.
thats it.
xx
Saturday, May 16, 2009
this is for you, dearest. take it to heart.
i do miss you. i think about you all the time, every time i see you.
and i remember how we said we were gonna steal from the armaguard truck, and attack like penguins.
and talked about boys, and .. well everything. things that i couldnt with other people. now, well. i kinda talk to other people. not that i can trust anyone these days, except for michelle and sacha, but. you know.
i remember the old woman. i remembered when i saw her, weeks ago. i thought, howls moving castle woman.
and i thought, i remember me and you, talking about her. and the movie. and how we loved howl. i cant forget those things. and no one else seems to know who im talking about.
i miss those times sneaking out. i miss stealing the internet. i miss webcamming steven for some fucking reason. i miss sitting on the laptop in one room, and the computer in the other, and talking on msn.
but i can never forget the times i cried.
there were so many times.. i was sick with worry. so was sacha, we both were. and so were so many people. i can never forget the day that you sent me that message, that i still have on my old phone. its along the lines of, im going to do it, im just so upset. and i remember messaging you, begging you to not do it, to not do it again. for me. but you did it anyway. i remember crying in my room, because i couldnt stop you. i couldnt get that picture out of my mind. of you.. hurting yourself like that. i did everthing i thought i could, trying to talk you through it, being consoling, yelling at you. nothing worked.
so we had to put it on the line.
it was the only thing we could do. and it worked, didnt it? but.
do you remember at your party, when you.. were bleeding on your leg. and your story was, that you had cut it outside on a tree being stupid and running around? and i believed you? i was so stupid to believe it. i just didnt think you would. do you remember when i tried to ask you if you liked jake at all, cos you were acting all funny around him? and you yelled at me, told me to go away, leave you alone? well. i remember it.
i remember it because i had no idea. so.. stupid. i dont know. i didnt think anything of it. i really thought you had accidentally done it. and i dont know why. i dont know why.
i will never forget the times i cried for you. and all the times, my crying went.. well. unnoticed. you were in pain, i understand that. you couldnt stop. i just wish i could have done more.
i remember that fight i had with you. where i had the biggest fit at you, basically told you you had better get your act together.
but that still didnt really work.
im sorry, if we caused you pain. and im sure its felt vice versa.
i miss you sometimes, .. well. all the time. i just wanna look at you in the eye, for more than a second, and not feel like its wrong. i wanna hug you sometimes, just.. to remember what it was like. im starting to forget, and that kills me. i really didnt want to forget your hugs. i see you, in classics mostly. and i see you, right in front of me. i hate having you right there.. seeing you. thinking of old classes with mr moyle.
and then i see that scar on your right hand. right, i think. yes.. thats the hand i see. and its like this.. twang. inside. because.. i dont know. it brings back all the pain, i felt. all those times i was helpless to stop you.
and i wish i could have helped you. helped your life not bring you to that point.
but i didnt.
biology, too. i can hear your stories, being told to your friends.. and sometimes i picture what it would be like, if you and i were friends again. would we sit together? would i get those stories told to me. partners in experiments?
sometimes, i wish. i wish i could just forget.
and i remember how we said we were gonna steal from the armaguard truck, and attack like penguins.
and talked about boys, and .. well everything. things that i couldnt with other people. now, well. i kinda talk to other people. not that i can trust anyone these days, except for michelle and sacha, but. you know.
i remember the old woman. i remembered when i saw her, weeks ago. i thought, howls moving castle woman.
and i thought, i remember me and you, talking about her. and the movie. and how we loved howl. i cant forget those things. and no one else seems to know who im talking about.
i miss those times sneaking out. i miss stealing the internet. i miss webcamming steven for some fucking reason. i miss sitting on the laptop in one room, and the computer in the other, and talking on msn.
but i can never forget the times i cried.
there were so many times.. i was sick with worry. so was sacha, we both were. and so were so many people. i can never forget the day that you sent me that message, that i still have on my old phone. its along the lines of, im going to do it, im just so upset. and i remember messaging you, begging you to not do it, to not do it again. for me. but you did it anyway. i remember crying in my room, because i couldnt stop you. i couldnt get that picture out of my mind. of you.. hurting yourself like that. i did everthing i thought i could, trying to talk you through it, being consoling, yelling at you. nothing worked.
so we had to put it on the line.
it was the only thing we could do. and it worked, didnt it? but.
do you remember at your party, when you.. were bleeding on your leg. and your story was, that you had cut it outside on a tree being stupid and running around? and i believed you? i was so stupid to believe it. i just didnt think you would. do you remember when i tried to ask you if you liked jake at all, cos you were acting all funny around him? and you yelled at me, told me to go away, leave you alone? well. i remember it.
i remember it because i had no idea. so.. stupid. i dont know. i didnt think anything of it. i really thought you had accidentally done it. and i dont know why. i dont know why.
i will never forget the times i cried for you. and all the times, my crying went.. well. unnoticed. you were in pain, i understand that. you couldnt stop. i just wish i could have done more.
i remember that fight i had with you. where i had the biggest fit at you, basically told you you had better get your act together.
but that still didnt really work.
im sorry, if we caused you pain. and im sure its felt vice versa.
i miss you sometimes, .. well. all the time. i just wanna look at you in the eye, for more than a second, and not feel like its wrong. i wanna hug you sometimes, just.. to remember what it was like. im starting to forget, and that kills me. i really didnt want to forget your hugs. i see you, in classics mostly. and i see you, right in front of me. i hate having you right there.. seeing you. thinking of old classes with mr moyle.
and then i see that scar on your right hand. right, i think. yes.. thats the hand i see. and its like this.. twang. inside. because.. i dont know. it brings back all the pain, i felt. all those times i was helpless to stop you.
and i wish i could have helped you. helped your life not bring you to that point.
but i didnt.
biology, too. i can hear your stories, being told to your friends.. and sometimes i picture what it would be like, if you and i were friends again. would we sit together? would i get those stories told to me. partners in experiments?
sometimes, i wish. i wish i could just forget.
so its come to this, LOL
thats right, i put a lol in my title.
anyway.
so its incredibly obvious to all parties involved, and all those who read them
that the three of us are commuicating through blogs
so its out there
we read all our blogs. done. now we can stop pretending we dont.
anywho. well. again, we are right back where we were. shall we all stop worrying about this friendship then? and i think we can all safely assume, we all still care about each other to a certain extent, so there should be no more ifs, ands or buts about that.
its just a matter of, if we can accept who we all have become now. shall we all just assume our friendship will not, can not rekindle? or are we gonna sit here, is this insipid limbo, wondering, oh maybe, oh.. no i cant. its not gonna be the same, what if it is? i miss you. no i dont. i wanna be friends. yes i do.
im not condecending anyone, i am simply repeating the questions i know we have been asking ourselves time and time again.
its just gonna be a matter of finalising this friendship.
where do we go from here? forward, backward. or stay right here; in limbo?
its up to us. now who is gonna take charge?
anyway.
so its incredibly obvious to all parties involved, and all those who read them
that the three of us are commuicating through blogs
so its out there
we read all our blogs. done. now we can stop pretending we dont.
anywho. well. again, we are right back where we were. shall we all stop worrying about this friendship then? and i think we can all safely assume, we all still care about each other to a certain extent, so there should be no more ifs, ands or buts about that.
its just a matter of, if we can accept who we all have become now. shall we all just assume our friendship will not, can not rekindle? or are we gonna sit here, is this insipid limbo, wondering, oh maybe, oh.. no i cant. its not gonna be the same, what if it is? i miss you. no i dont. i wanna be friends. yes i do.
im not condecending anyone, i am simply repeating the questions i know we have been asking ourselves time and time again.
its just gonna be a matter of finalising this friendship.
where do we go from here? forward, backward. or stay right here; in limbo?
its up to us. now who is gonna take charge?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
jebus.
i dont..
i dont know whether to be angry, offended, or just feel sorry for you. or maybe, even happy.
to think, thats the best you can come up with?
thats the big euphanism? well. awesome. must have spent a long, hard time thinking on that.
and it becomes clear, that things you think, somehow relate back to it making you look better.
and might i add, dont think this is you.
your gonna have to think long and hard, about whether what you think this is about, is really what you think it is. dont jump to conclusions, but i do want you to know what im talking about.
because i know, you wont reply. in any way.
i dont know whether to be angry, offended, or just feel sorry for you. or maybe, even happy.
to think, thats the best you can come up with?
thats the big euphanism? well. awesome. must have spent a long, hard time thinking on that.
and it becomes clear, that things you think, somehow relate back to it making you look better.
and might i add, dont think this is you.
your gonna have to think long and hard, about whether what you think this is about, is really what you think it is. dont jump to conclusions, but i do want you to know what im talking about.
because i know, you wont reply. in any way.
Monday, May 11, 2009
i was gonna reply to something
like, i had this big speech thing that i was gonna do.
about, how i had read something, and it was something important.
but its gone now =S i dont know why, but i can take a guess. basically, they didnt want me to read it, or they didnt want everyone else to read it or something
oh well. i guesss ill just forget it then =P
so. i have the biggest ever thingi have to do, like.. its insane. drama, english. CRAZY SHIT.
i have so much homework.
why am i even on here?
because i have DODO internet.
FUCK YOU ALL.
i duno =P
about, how i had read something, and it was something important.
but its gone now =S i dont know why, but i can take a guess. basically, they didnt want me to read it, or they didnt want everyone else to read it or something
oh well. i guesss ill just forget it then =P
so. i have the biggest ever thingi have to do, like.. its insane. drama, english. CRAZY SHIT.
i have so much homework.
why am i even on here?
because i have DODO internet.
FUCK YOU ALL.
i duno =P
Thursday, May 7, 2009
There is a lot going on
So i have kinda been skipping lessons every now and then.
not just cos i dont wanna go, though that is a reason, i can assure you. and maybe the only lesson i have been missing is english. but thats not the point. its the easiest lesson to miss and catch up on.
but i have good reason for this; for one, ms lovell continues to talk constantly during her lessons, with students not allowed to continue on work whilst she talks. this, therefore results in me finding it difficult to finish off work.
secondly, there is this thing, that istill have not done. =P i would say, its about 4 weeks overdue, and she still seems to want to accept it. and i have been needing sleep more and more ihave realised, at nights.
but.. i want to do it. and i skipped the lesson to infact do it. but then .. i got distracted by blogger. and by many other things.
just.. hmm. she told me i need to hand in this work to pass. and, i have done the majority of it. i just need to type it. its just.. iduno. its like, i dont want school to end or something. i cant make things easy for myself,
and i just got a text message, from Daniel.. you know how, when you skip a class, and you get a text from someone in the class, you think.. holy shit, they are gonna say the teacher knows i am skipping class, and im gonna get suspended.. lol. well, he just informed me that she was just querying about where i am. great, another note im going to have to write.
and another lot of work, im going to have to do in the space of like, 2 days. and hand in to her, and somehow, SOMEHOW, get away with it. she should still accept it. maybe a case of.. 'i missed the bus' would work here.
i doubt that, for some reason. i sense a lecture.. =P
that i brought upon myself, so no complaining. ha
i would have thought that something would be about me, like.. not about him
is that selfish? or just a case of.. extreme longing for something i brought upon myself.
i want onion rings... i hope they taste yummy =D
i bet they taste like shit.
anyway.
i cant wait until the end of the year comes.
no wait, i cant wait until ipass year 12, and MATHS, and get a good TER, well.. decent. then...
GO TO CANCUN.
or anywhere, really. i dont want to go to cancun, btw.
i am done.
there's this little voice..
Hello.
i am blogging during my free on a thursday morning, with a certain mr orange.
i was just thinking about something....
You know whats funny?
we ALL KNOW we are reading each others blog
just we are pretending we arent.
Because, well.
obviously we basically reply to some of the things we post, some of the things we say. if something has offended one of us, the other will defend or justify.
I dont know. There are some times, when i will catch your eyes. and then all these things just.. happen. like, memories. and sometimes there is that, faster beat of your heart, like, looking at you is wrong, like.. catching eyes with your enemy or a guy you like, not that i like, want you, um. hem. lol.
but basically like its wrong.
and i wish it werent like that. but then, i think about it.. how can any of us become normal again? we cant just go back to how it was, no matter how much i would like it. that would be great, but.. we have moved on. or.. not so much moved on. just.. so much has happened. i dont think, even if we became friends and sat on your floor, trying to sneak into your computer room and attach the internet because your dad took it out and told us we couldnt go on it... we could catch up on everything that has happened without each other.
because.. it all happened without you
this kinda big thinking thing came up a while ago.. what will happen in the end.. etc.
the end of school, its coming up, and if i can manage to pass everything (JESUS!) then yes, jesus. but anyway. if i can, then.. whats gonna happen? am i gonna end up with like, 2 girl friends?
like, those two are the greatest girls ever, but .. i always thought i would end this with SLIGHTLY more friends, lol.
and im not, so much, friendless. im just.. friend challenged. you know. NOW I SOUND GAY.
lol. not like, alex julian friend challenged. just.. i lost a lot of friends, just because i couldnt go to some thing in the holidays. its like, the friendship had to be justified through the amount of outings i attend and the amount i drink. and its not like, i chose not to go out with them. its not like, i went out of my way to not attend what tehy had planend. i just couldnt go. and should i be punished with, turned backs, ignored in the halls? like, whatever. fuck you.
thats right i swore.
back to my original train of thought. digression, much?
you were the one i thought i would so stupid things with, you know.. talk about certain things, do certain things. not like that >: lol. but youknow.
and i kinda get the feeling that the boy means slightly more than us. not like, more important, but.. a differnt kinda of love, that you so often defended having. you totally did..
but now its recess. ill continue, tonight. or maybe.. i dont know. ill continue.
i am blogging during my free on a thursday morning, with a certain mr orange.
i was just thinking about something....
You know whats funny?
we ALL KNOW we are reading each others blog
just we are pretending we arent.
Because, well.
obviously we basically reply to some of the things we post, some of the things we say. if something has offended one of us, the other will defend or justify.
I dont know. There are some times, when i will catch your eyes. and then all these things just.. happen. like, memories. and sometimes there is that, faster beat of your heart, like, looking at you is wrong, like.. catching eyes with your enemy or a guy you like, not that i like, want you, um. hem. lol.
but basically like its wrong.
and i wish it werent like that. but then, i think about it.. how can any of us become normal again? we cant just go back to how it was, no matter how much i would like it. that would be great, but.. we have moved on. or.. not so much moved on. just.. so much has happened. i dont think, even if we became friends and sat on your floor, trying to sneak into your computer room and attach the internet because your dad took it out and told us we couldnt go on it... we could catch up on everything that has happened without each other.
because.. it all happened without you
this kinda big thinking thing came up a while ago.. what will happen in the end.. etc.
the end of school, its coming up, and if i can manage to pass everything (JESUS!) then yes, jesus. but anyway. if i can, then.. whats gonna happen? am i gonna end up with like, 2 girl friends?
like, those two are the greatest girls ever, but .. i always thought i would end this with SLIGHTLY more friends, lol.
and im not, so much, friendless. im just.. friend challenged. you know. NOW I SOUND GAY.
lol. not like, alex julian friend challenged. just.. i lost a lot of friends, just because i couldnt go to some thing in the holidays. its like, the friendship had to be justified through the amount of outings i attend and the amount i drink. and its not like, i chose not to go out with them. its not like, i went out of my way to not attend what tehy had planend. i just couldnt go. and should i be punished with, turned backs, ignored in the halls? like, whatever. fuck you.
thats right i swore.
back to my original train of thought. digression, much?
you were the one i thought i would so stupid things with, you know.. talk about certain things, do certain things. not like that >: lol. but youknow.
and i kinda get the feeling that the boy means slightly more than us. not like, more important, but.. a differnt kinda of love, that you so often defended having. you totally did..
but now its recess. ill continue, tonight. or maybe.. i dont know. ill continue.
i struggle with particular thoughts sometimes.. =S
like.. do i miss you? and everyone else i lost.
i mean, i know i do. just. sometimes being alone, feels.. so good.
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